The other day, my knees buckled...

I received some news that nearly broke me the other day. Someone I love dearly just found out that her breast cancer has returned. When I heard the news... my knees buckled. It took a minute for the full impact of what was shared actually hit me. But once it did... my knees buckled and I fell to the side of my bed and cried.

I wailed. I sobbed. My heart felt like it expanded and then cracked into a million little pieces. This woman means a lot to me (I'm being purposely vague because I'm not sure who else knows this news) and one of our last conversations was about how she had just reached her 5 year mark (surviving-5-years-after-breast-cancer)  and we were excited and happy. I remember big smiles and hugs when she told me.

I was happy for her because her good health made it more real that I would have good health. If she's okay... then I'm going to be okay.

But now, she's not okay. When I say that my knees buckled... I mean that everything started swimming around me, I lost focus, I lost the ability to stand... my chest started heaving... I completely lost it for a moment. I crawled back into bed and just cried. I cried for her. I cried for myself. I cried for all the other pink ribbon sisters out there who have heard similar news and just wondered "why me, why again?"... Mostly, I cried for myself though.

Because, just like many of my readers gain strength from the words that I share here... I gain strength from the women walking this path before me. As I see them continuing to walk into their futures, I feel more confident that my future will be just as good. Their return to health and vitality gives me permission to believe that I will be just fine. And when someone you love finds out that the battle isn't over... you get scared.

I am scared.

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