My therapist told me that it would be perfectly normal if I felt like... "why me" in regards to getting cancer. And honestly... I don't feel that way. Not yet anyway. I just feel like its written on my forehead.
"don't get too close... she has CANCER..."
Its weird, everyone keeps asking me how I feel. I feel the same way I felt on July 2nd before I had confirmation that there was another "something" inside my body uninvited.
I feel fine. Now, people around me are saying that I'm not fine. But I feel okay.
I'm moody.
I'm cranky.
I'm sensitive.
I burst into tears at the dumbest things and the most inopportune moments. I worry that my boyfriend will grow tired of me and my drama. I am worried that my email groups will disappear. I am afraid that something will go wrong and I'll end up shriveled and small and unable to complete any of the things that I've finally gotten in my head and my heart that I want to do.
I feel angry. I might not be able to have kids. THAT's not fair.
I've finally said, yes, I think I could be a good mother and a good wife and I want that family... and now I'm faced with a treatment that could save my life but end my options of having another life.
I just don't know what to feel anymore. I'm currently waiting (it seems that I do a lot of that now) to hear from another doctor, an oncologist, to discuss my possible treatment options. I just want to know how soon I can start chemotherapy. The sooner it starts, the sooner its over. And I want all of this to be over... soon.
If you see me on the street and I don't seem to want to talk -- I probably don't. Its not personal, I'm just overwhelmed right now. I want to write all the stories and poems and scripts I ever dreamed about. I want to go to all the countries I've fantasized about visiting.... I feel like my days are getting shorter. And I can't stop it.
I've read other cancer survivors blogs... and well, I'm not that upbeat all the time. I am cranky as hell right now. I don't feel that I'm any more or less worthy of being stopped by cancer... but I do feel like... once again, the timing just sucks.
