I have been dealing with nightmares (and night terrors) for a few years now. They go along with the territory of my insomnia and other issues that I have with sleeping. As disturbing as they are, I've gotten used to having them. They upset me, to be clear. But I have simply accepted them as part of my life and I keep it moving. Because I know that they exist in my world, I tend to dismiss them pretty quickly and keep it moving.
Except when I can't. And then I find myself mad, upset and just plain angry for days on end. Usually with a little pity party thrown on top at the end of all that angst.
I had a doozy of a nightmare the other night and that sucker has stuck to me for the past few days. The dream hasn't repeated itself but the fear it triggered is deeply real and I simply cannot shake it.
I've been experiencing some interesting symptoms in my body lately. It just occured to me after this nightmare that these symptoms may be indicative of a different cancer. Or it could be something else entirely different. Either way, its not cool. I am working on not being a hypochondriac just because I am a cancer survivor. But walking the fine line between being fully aware and conscious within my body and freaking out over every small thing has been a difficult challenge for me. So, the nightmare that I had the other night triggered my deep fears about cancer recurrence and succumbing to another and different type of cancer.
I bawled like a baby when I woke up with a scream in my throat. I burst into tears later that day when the thought of that nightmare came back to me. And, in all honesty, I'm pretty damn close to tears right now as I write this post.
I hate cancer. I hate that I have friends who have gone through this madness multiple times. I hate that for some of us, the medicine they use to treat our cancer can be (in some cases) attributed to our getting a different type of cancer. I try to be strong most days. I really do. I believe that for the most part, I'm good at looking at the bright side of life and accepting that right now I am doing well. But, the what if's hound me.
As much as I can look back on my life these past few years and see that I came through a great storm and know that I'm okay... I will honestly tell you that if I never have to receive another chemotherapy infusion again in my life, I will be even better. If I never have to hear the words "you have cancer" again, I'll feel blessed beyond measure. And while I know that having cancer doesn't have to be the end of the world... I know that for many of us, it is.
I'm scared. I really am. No matter how much I look at my life and smile, that fear is always near by. Always.
