Well, another May 1st is heading my way and that means another birthday for me. I have been excited and ready to celebrate for weeks now. And now that its here... its starting to feel anti-climatic and a little sad.
I am here. A full year has passed with no cancer treatment. No unusual pains. No bad test results. Just another year. I feel like I've let myself down a little bit though. Life after breast cancer is supposed to feel amazing, right? I'm supposed to feel like superwoman. Can do girl. And yet... I just feel like me. This new me. With constant back pains and too many hangovers. With a fear of love and a correlating fear of being alone too. This new me who is a constant contradiction of everything. I feel fine but I'm constantly in a state of anxiety because one day I may not be fine.
Guess what?... its my birthday. I feel a little guilt (okay... a lot of guilt) because I have many friends who have been dealing with recurrences of their cancer this year. And friends who lost their fight with their cancer. And yet... I'm here. Feeling like I'm living in limbo. When will it be my turn to deal with this demon again? And what if it doesn't? Then what makes me so special that I don't have to fight the monster twice?
But... like I said.. its my birthday. I know that I am blessed. I am actually quite peaceful and happy about my life in general. My Celtics are doing great things on the basketball court. I am enjoying raising money for the Race for the Cure (you can make a donation here: http://globalrace.info-komen.org/goto/nicolemclean). I am dating and getting out of the house a lot. I can honestly say that I am happy.
I can now look at my naked body now and not cringe at my scars but just look at myself as a woman and be ok. And at the end of the day... I am a woman. A breast cancer survivor. Taking no days for granted and enjoying every moment that I can.
Happy birthday to me. :)
