...what if I never got breast cancer?
...what if I decided not to be treated?
...what if there was a cure?
Those questions -- and the hundreds that follow and spin-off from them -- are dangerous territory. Most of the time, I'm sort of over the anguish of having breast cancer. Most of the time, it is something that happened -- something awful and traumatic -- but just "something". Life is full of "somethings"... you deal with it and you move on.
But every so often, the anger and the tears rise up and choke me. Just all of a sudden, there is this lump in my throat and a hitch in my voice and a tornado of tears just falls out of the corners of my eyes. It is especially unsettling when this happens just as I'm spending my normal Friday evening... embracing my "spinster-hood" (smile) and watching the crazy wedding shows on TLC.
But here I am, watching my shows, worrying about stuff unrelated to breast cancer and then a phantom pain shoots through my reconstructed breast.
Ugh!
It is annoying because that breast has no feeling but every now and then a phantom pain shoots through as though that breast was real. Its not. And that pain yanked me from my daydreams of wedding dresses and love and into this crazy space.
The tears came. My throat got tight. I eeked out a squeal and a cry. And I just crumpled in anger.
I.
Hate.
This.
I do. And I'm sorry if this disappoints someone or scares someone else... I really am. I want to be a better role model but right now... all alone? I'm just not.
So much tragedy in this world. People are hungry, homeless, dying... and I'm crying because I'm not who I used to be.
*hangs head in shame*
I am human and I get sad and angry because I hate this disease. I still hate that I lost my breast. I still hate that every time I feel a twinge or a pain, I worry that "its back". I hate that I go through all of this alone. I hate it all.
*deep sigh*
I remind myself that I am still here. I am deeply loved. And its okay to get upset. Just don't stay there.
I'm going to watch a Disney movie to get my mood back in order. Tomorrow, I'll be okay. Back to cheery, silly me.
I hope and pray that today we are one step closer to finding a cure.
