Learning to love through the fear of cancer.
*Disclaimer: I have NO idea what I'm doing when it comes to love and relationships. My track record sorta stinks and I'm figuring stuff out as I go. Take anything you learn here with a grain of salt. Preferably the size of a small mountain.*
The past couple of weeks have been a bit rough around here. I'm slightly stressed out -- pinktober tends to do that to me -- and my boyfriend has been slightly stressed out as well. Two stressed out folks tend to stress each other out, you know? The escalation of madness...
While we've been tiptoeing around each other trying not to get on each other's nerves, I watched the relationship of a friend completely implode via facebook. It was like watching a skyscraper fall in super slow motion. S-U-P-E-R-S-L-O-W motion. My heart ached for them. I didn't know his girl, but I was aware that she was dealing with a tough cancer diagnosis and treatment. Over the past few months, I've tried to offer helpful and insightful advice without overstepping my boundaries. I thought that I was making myself clear when I shared with him that dealing with his girl through this transition was going to be tough. I don't think I got through to him. The final blows were hashed out over my news feed in the middle of the night. Each post was dramatic and heart wrenching... and well, just mean. I knew from our conversations that he loved her deeply. I knew that he was scared for her and for himself. But if I didn't know it... I would not have seen it that night.
Ugh. Love can be so hard sometimes.
Flip the page to me and my guy. We're still in that ooey gooey stage of love. We can sit in a room together and not talk and be completely thrilled. I like that about us. But what I don't like is that when something is bothering us, we struggle like hell trying to articulate that to each other. Something bothered him. He didn't tell me. I felt it though. I asked him something and his answer pissed me off. I got silent. I stayed silent for a couple of days. I slept and fidgeted, trying not to cry for a day or two. I was so upset I questioned everything. I even thought about breaking up, of just living my life like a hobo and skipping all this fairytale happily ever after stuff. Who needs a Cinderella version of life anyway?
I was mad. At first I was mad with him. Then I was mad at myself. Finally, I realized... the choice is yours Nicole. You're designing this life. Do you want him there or not? I realized that I did want him there. Very much.
(step 1: acknowledge or remind yourself that what you want is what YOU want... and make no apologies for wanting it)
You see, while I was being silent... he reached out to me. He tried to nudge me into speaking but all I had was confusion and anger in my head. I didn't want to comment out of fear that I would flip out. I did not want to flip out. After watching my friend's relationship meltdown on facebook, I had a great idea what type of chaos follows flipping out instead of thinking things through. I chose silence and one word responses.
(step 2: be mindful of the way that your previous patterns of behavior may have resulted in your not having what you want)
After awhile, the tables flipped on me... There was a short period of time when he was silent. *gasp!* I WENT BESERK in my head. And in those moments, it dawned on me that I was being unproductive with my silence. So I spoke. He spoke. I shared what was bothering me. He explained his perspective. I understood. And that was it. Our "fight" lasted a couple of days and it wasn't much of a fight at all. Just a lot of silence and pain.
(step 3: when you figure out that you are wrong, fix it. do not let pride keep you from reconnecting to your love)
In both stories there is a common denominator of cancer. I am not sure that the "what" of our two fights matters as much as what the fights themselves represent. As I said, to my friend's relationship I am totally an outsider and just an observer. I only know what he's mentioned to me in passing and what I've watched unfold on facebook. That's not a lot of information. But in this world of social media, it sort of is. Watching them reminded me of the way that my previous relationship just fell apart during my treatment. I did not want that for them.
There is something about the emotional pain that envelopes you when you have cancer that skews your world in strange ways. Survivors express that pain in different ways -- some people scream and fight, others get silent, some pretend nothing bothers them and they're just happy, others are bothered by everything. But the bottom line is that we're all just dealing with it. In our own way, we're struggling to find our voice and express our pains and our fears... without drowning other people in that agony. And if we're honest... many of us are just terrified. And trying not to be. The person who is loving you is just as scared though. And that is where I, the survivor, realized that I had a job to do. I had to reach down inside and find the strength to reach out to my love and reconnect. He didn't know what upset me. I had to articulate that to him. Otherwise, in my attempt to protect him from all of my "stuff" (pain, fear, etc.)... I was pushing him into a corner.
Its been years now since my diagnosis. The only reason cancer is still on my mind so much is because of my role as an advocate and this blog platform. I found a reason to live here. I mean more than breathing and walking. I found my purpose here. That is my choice so I'm happy with it. But my choice means that I am constantly reminded of that pain. The kernel of fear that lives in the pit of my stomach really never goes away. It gets silent for awhile and then something happens to jolt me and it pops right back up. Though I never uttered the words to him, at the base of my silence towards my guy was that fear. It colors everything. The reason why I was angry had less to do with the topic we were in disagreement about and more to do with my fear that I just won't be here forever.
Cancer colors everything.
I believe that when my friend and his girl were fighting... somewhere in the base of his rants and hers was this same kernel of fear planted by cancer. I am praying that they find a way to realize this and get back together. I'm sharing all of this with you to say... whatever you're going through (if you're going through something)... Hold on. With both hands. Your feet. Your toes. Your finger tips. Whatever. Just... hold on. Seriously. Cancer may have stolen a lot from you, don't let it take away your love too.Life presents all of us with tough, traumatic moments. They won't all be cancer-related but they will still be hard. How we learn to navigate through those moments is the key to finding our joy and our happy space.
(step 4: be happy. smile)
