Excuse me. Have we met? My name is Nicole... and I truly enjoy a good alcoholic beverage.
I mean... FOR REAL. Like, I want to be a bartender in my next life... that's how much I enjoy alcohol. (laughs)
I keep trying to ignore everything I've read that links breast cancer to alcohol consumption. Its not working for me. Here's the issue: a study was released in December that shows an increase in breast cancer recurrence in women who consume more than 3 drinks per week. [alcohol-raises-risk-of-breast-cancer-recurrence]
** side eye **
I can drink three GOOD drinks in one evening... and still want more.
I can drink three GREAT DRINKS several times a week and not feel badly about it.
(sigh)
I like a good drink. It makes me happy. Puts a really good slick smile on my face. Sort of like this one:
You know... happy, giggly, carefree, bubbly. But now it seems that those three drinks might rush my death. Is that unfair or what? Sheesh.
Alcohol increases the amount of estrogen in your body. My cancer was estrogen driven. Adding alcohol to my body is defeating the purpose of the tamoxifen, and putting myself at a higher risk of having my cancer return. Sad, right? One of the great pleasures (for me) of being an adult, is indulging in adult activities... like having an adult beverage whenever I feel like it.
I am a social drinker. I rarely drink at home. It just doesn't have the same joy for me. But when I'm out with friends (or even alone) I definitely enjoy alcoholic beverages. I have to switch gears now and get adjusted to socializing with mocktails.
I'm trying not to be too down about the link between alcohol and breast cancer. I am trying to look at it in a different way. But I have to be honest, this will be one change that will definitely take some serious effort to overcome.
Cheers!
PS. I don't wanna hear nothing if you see me out with a drink in my hand. Nothing. (laughs)
Someone posted this statement in a breast cancer forum I track. It made me laugh out loud although honestly, her post was more angst than humor. But the thought that her newly constructed breasts might as well be elbows just struck me as funny. She was discussing having her nipples done... and it made me laugh. Second time today, I've thought about the nipple reconstruction phase of this "re-build" after my mastectomy.
I suppose for those of you not so intimately involved with the whole mastectomy-reconstruction world... it may be a surprise to learn that nipples don't come with your new breast(s). (laughs) But... alas, they do not. Getting nipples is a wholly separate procedure and pretty detailed from what I understand. I keep giggling about it because my "barbie boob" has started to grow on me. No pun intended.
(you know how Barbie's boobs have no nipples, right? that's what I call my noobie -- new boobie)
I suppose it will seem even more "normal" when it looks less like a doll-part and more like a lady-part. But until then...
I'm starting to feel whole again. My sexy noobie is nothing like my other breast. But in its own way, its soooo very fabulous. I mean... dig it.. its all nice and perky. Reminds me of my young-tender days... when everything was all upright and perky 'round these parts. (laughs) My noobie is so fabulous that it really doesn't NEED a bra, though of course I do wear one. That other side...? whew lawd... we have to strap ol' girl down!
Its sort of nice you know. Feeling perky and young again. And even though I'm not balanced, I'm cool with that. Or rather, I'm better about it.
At the onset of this journey, I really had no idea that it would ultimately be years before I was done with everything and back to whole again. Each step of the way, I've thought "okay, now that's over... I can get back to living again". Only to be hit with another something that needs to be done or considered in the future. I will admit that its tiresome and sort of scary. But at the same time... it is what it is.
One thing I have learned from dealing with all of this is that LIFE KEEPS GOING until it stops. As much as I would like it to be different, there really isn't a pause button. So, no matter what you're going through, dealing with or expecting to come around that corner... life still goes on. Everyday that your eyes open... that's life that needs to be lived.
Don't laugh but this is a difficult concept for me to embrace somedays. I need a break sometimes. A break from having breast cancer. A break from being single. A break from not being a mommy. A break from all these doggone bills. Just a break. But the truth is that... no such thing exists. So, you have to switch up your perspective. Look for the funny, the giggle.... I mean... what if instead of a breast I did have a third elbow jutting out of my chest? (laughs) How crazy would that be?
...and yes, if I had a third elbow jutting out of my chest... I would learn to rock that joint like it was THE sexiest thing ever seen in this world. Yes, I would! I am "that" girl...
I have laughed a lot over the past few days. Silly things, like crazy videos on the internet and crazier blog posts from various bloggers... and each time I've been grateful for the ability to laugh and to cry with joy. I have been stressed a lot lately, worried about what might happen in different situations. But I finally just gave it back to God to handle and decided that no matter what happens, I am blessed in this moment just to be alive. So many of my brothers and sisters with cancer did not make it. While I'm here I feel it is my privilege to be happy about it.
So, even though my noobie isn't exactly what I expected, I love it. I love the fact that I have it. I love the fact that it replaced the breast that was trying to kill me. I love the fact that if I didn't tell you there was a situation under my bra -- you wouldn't know it. I love my noobie... and I'm glad that it isn't an elbow. (laughs)
If you have some favorite funny sites on the web, please leave a comment with the link. I tell you, laughter is good for the body and the spirit. Keep the giggles coming folks...
I had a great time today... hanging with one of my besties and just talking. We talked about how we have become complacent in our lives and its time to break that bad habit and get back into the swing of things.
I confessed to her that I feel that I've lost my mojo, lost a bit of my swagger... though I'm on a mission to get it back. I am a reformed party girl. Yes, I admit it. I partied through my 20's and halfway through my 30's too. It was fun and I enjoyed just hanging out and meeting new people. The problem with being the party girl is that eventually you get old. And then you're not the hot girl... but the old chick at the spot. No matter how cute you are... partying isn't a lifetime career/hobby move. Its temporary and fleeting at best.
But its fun!! And I'm all about having fun. That is what makes dealing with breast cancer rather difficult. Breast cancer is really NOT fun. Not that you can't find shining moments, and happy giggles while you deal with your treatment and its aftermath. But that overall... it is just too mentally consuming to really allow you to relax and float away on life's giggles.
I am struggling with navigating this void after "active" treatment. It is known to be a period where many breast cancer survivors fall into depressive states and feel lost and confused. (hand raised...) I can totally relate to that feeling. Even though I knew this was coming, and I thought I was prepared for it... I am having a hard time dealing with the loss of being in the cancer center regularly, and seeing my medical team all the time.
But the honest truth is that its over. I am done with that part of my breast cancer journey and I have to find new comfort in my new life. I told my girl that I feel that I have sort of collapsed in on myself. I hide behind this computer screen -- mostly hidden away in my bedroom -- and pretend to reach out to the world and interact. The truth is that... its easy here. Its safe here. But... real talk... its also BOR-ING here. The old Nic was a lot of fun. She was a bit of a crack-pot, sometimes flighty as hell... but good for some giggles and whatnot.
This new chick? Man... she's a stick in the mud, for real. Nice girl, to be sure. But scary as h*ll. (laughs) With good reason, I know.
Bottom line, I'm digging deep... pushing myself hard... determined to get back to the sexy girl I know that I can be. So... my new goal is to get out of my comfort zone at least twice a month and do something fun and different.
I will keep you posted on how that all turns out. We're starting with... going out dancing on Friday night. Pray for me!!!
I am a christian woman. My entire life is peppered with great memories of church, vacation bible school, choir, and praise. I am not active in church right now -- haven't been for a number of years -- but I do still love the Lord very much.
I share a lot of myself here but not all... but I wanted to share that my faith, my spirituality, my ability to pray and believe that God wants the best for me is truly a lifeline. God is good and although the economy is shaky and money is funny... I believe that God will see me through all of this.
I pray in spurts. I'm not the one to stop for a few hours and say all the right words that you hear at church. I am a conversationalist with my prayer. I simply talk out loud, or ask a question and wait. Sometimes I close my eyes, other times I don't. Sometimes I'm praying as I'm writing a blog entry. It all depends on how my spirit is feeling.
Not sure why I wanted to share this with you. I've read a lot about how cancer patients should really have a connection to a higher power in order to help them deal with what they are going through. And I've also read about a study that came out last year that said that folks with strong faith were more likely to have to go through intensive treatments. (USA Today, Cancer coping) While I'm sure that the studies were done correctly and all, I find it hard to believe that faith and prayer do anything but help you get through a diagnosis of cancer (or any difficult circumstance).
Without faith where would I be? If I don't believe that God has the best in mind for me, then I may as well quit now. Some days the burdens and worries get really heavy. Today is one of those days in fact. But I know that when I pray to God, He listens and He helps me to handle all that I've been given. Good and bad.
There is a book that I really want to read, Faith, Hope and Healing: Inspiring Lessons Learned from People Living with Cancer. Breast cancer has changed me, changed my life, and changed my family in wonderful ways. It is still scary but when things feel dark and I start to worry too much... a prayer always gives me the strength to take another step forward.
Lately, I've been wondering a few things about this blog. Where is it going? Will it always be a hobby? Should I consider really making and effort to find ways to earn income from this? Is anybody truly paying attention? And if so, who are they? Am I meeting their needs? Am I meeting my own? Do I still have a relevant voice now that I'm not in active treatment? And finally... if I stopped doing it, then what?
I don't have answers to all those questions. But I have been really thinking about why I continue to blog about breast cancer. I'm done with chemotherapy. I hope to never EVER have to have radiation therapy again. I've lost and regained my breast. And they tell me that there isn't any more cancer in my body. So... why do I keep blogging about breast cancer? Is it healthy for me to keep talking about it? And (very important to me) is this blog keeping me from connecting with cute and available men because they don't want to deal with the "cancer girl"?
why I continue to blog about breast cancer
Because this will always be a part of my life. I can try to stuff it away in the back corners of my mind and pretend it didn't happen. I can acknowledge it once a year for a race for a cure or something. But neither of those options are good for Nicole emotionally. I'm a different kind of girl. I have to express myself or things get all bottled up inside and I start to go a little haywire. Its not a good look, trust me.
I imagine as time goes on and I become farther and farther removed from this time, it may not loom as largely in my heart. But even then, I think I will still blog about and talk about my experience with breast cancer. Awhile back I blogged (/home-from-gala-and-i-miss-cleavage-) that I went to a cancer gala and one of the honorees (a breast cancer patient) said that she had been blessed to have cancer and that she had gained so much from having cancer. At the time, I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard anyone say. I have heard similar remarks from other breast cancer survivors and patients since then... and each time I thought that I must be crazy because I can't see cancer as any sort of a blessing.
But thinking about this blog, planning my future with it, realizing how many doors have opened for me and how many more will open for me... because of these words and this experience has led me to believe that in a very twisted way... breast cancer has been a blessing in my life too. Don't misunderstand me, this has been a horrible experience in so many ways. But there have been a lot of shining moments that would not have happened if Fred and Ted and Jim hadn't shown up on film. http://fabulous-boobies.blogspot.com/2008/08/so-theres-more-to-catch-up-on.html
In talking about myself so much through this blog, I've discovered that my ability to overlook and downplay what I'm really feeling and going through is pretty high. I am amazed at just how frequently I talk myself out of believing what I'm experiencing and feeling.
Example: I fell down maybe a month ago. Never went to the doctor, didn't think it was a big hit to my body. Decided to rest and take it easy and just let my body heal itself. Today, I find myself wondering why its taking me so long to get my "umph" back since the surgery. Now, I've talked myself out of going to the doctor, out of believing that the bruises were the indicators of anything serious, and simply have blamed myself for being clumsy and being a brat for even considering worrying about this. Of all things that I can worry about, this is pretty low. (That's what I have been telling myself) And yes, my friends have been encouraging me to go and get it checked out but I have not been able to do that yet.
How silly is that? I have more doctors than the average person should ever know and yet I am hesitating going to the doctor to be checked out?
Sigh. I bother myself with these silly shenanigans. I tell you, I can't believe how much of a baby I've been about all of this. Why Nicole? What are you worried about really?
And then I spent a little time on the breastcancer.org message boards and remembered -- by reading other women's messages about their experiences with breast cancer treatment -- that I've been through a lot. And no matter how much I try to believe, accept or convince myself that its behind me, that I'm back to normal... I've been through a lot. And the real truth that I've been unwilling to face is that I'm still scared.
Life is difficult and unpredictable. Having breast cancer only highlights that unpredictability. I believe that I'm dealing with an anxiety issue. Now that I know what it is, I can deal with it. But first, I have to actually walk out the door and back into my life.
