The doctor was pleased with my healing progress so far and I'm moving on to the next phase... trying to figure out how to minimize these scars and do all I can do to heal my skin and my abdomen. I'm ready to get back into my life again.
From an emotional standpoint, I'm not quite sure where I stand really. I'm up and down... still quite emotional from the past few weeks. Can't really put my finger on what's bothering me -- I think its that I'm chasing a feeling that keeps eluding me. I feel like I'm "chasing normal". The feeling came down on me really hard while I was in the hospital and it hung around for quite a few days.
I'm trying to get back to a certain feeling, a certain place in my mind where I'll be normal again. Where I'll feel like myself again. And everything that I do to get there, disappoints me because when I get there, I still feel like the cancer-girl. I am sick of it.
I woke up from surgery feeling tired, in pain and so deeply sad that it really took me by surprise. I was grateful for the visits from family and friends during those few days because it really helped to lift my spirits. Now that I'm home, I feel less sad but still I'm struggling with depressing thoughts. I expected this surgery to be a quick fix, I think. I thought that I would wake up, look down and smile when I saw my changed body.
Truthfully, I almost cried.
I was not prepared for the bruising, the pain the stitches. I was not prepared for the inability to walk, sit up, or stand. But, even with that... I am grateful that I'm healing well and feeling a bit better.
I'm down to just one drain. Had four when I was in the hospital. The doctor believes that I'm healing well and she asked me if I was happy with the size breast that she gave me. I am. It is a nice size -- I'm guessing a DD -- but there is still swelling and all that. So it may shrink some before its all said and done. It will require some mental adjustment because it is not the same size as my natural breast and when (if) I decide to take the next step in this journey and have my other breast reduced and lifted so that it matches -- I'm still going to have to see myself in a different way.
Today, I am plotting the rest of the year and making plans for next year. From a medical perspective, there are several surgeries in my future and while I am not really excited about them, I will do what I need to do to keep this train moving forward. It just may take some time. I've been moving pretty fast in getting things done. I will probably slow down and take more time between procedures. The costs are adding up in ways that I had not imagined previously.
I thought that the quicker/sooner I did "the next thing", the better my mental outlook would be. But that's not exactly what's been happening. Each new step has created a new whirlwind of confusion, sadness, and all kinds of emotions that I was really trying to avoid. Concerns about everything from my health, my survival, impact on my family, impact on my job, impact on my finances, and my dating prospects have swirled around my head and my heart with each step I've taken.
I am mentally and emotionally tired now. So, I'm going to give myself some time to just get comfortable where I am. The one thing I learned from this experience -- moreso than the other steps on this journey -- is that moving forward when you're not sure, really isn't the best thing to do.
I'm happy that its over but in hindsight, as much as I didn't think I could wait longer...I believe I should have waited a few months longer. I think that I was so hesitant because the truth was that I probably needed to get comfortable with my body in its altered state. This body with all its scars and discolorations (and aches and pains) is my new normal. This is it.
This is it. Realizing that is like letting go of a big breath of air. Exhale...
I'm focusing now on this moment, this perspective, learning to love and accept this life that I have -- which isn't the life I had before and that requires a different out look on life. But this is what I have, this is what I fought for. This is why I cried through chemotherapy for four months. This is why it was worth losing my tastebuds and my fingernails. This is why it was necessary to go through 2 months of radiation. To watch my skin blacken and peel away from my body. This is it. This is why I had to miss the inauguration of the first black president of the US to have my mastectomy. This ... is it. This life, right now, at this moment -- scarred, battered and bruised -- has to become my joy. Its not some thing out there... its right here, within me.
I've been asking myself (every day)... what's next Nicole? What do you appreciate about your life? Where do you want to go with your future? I don't have any answers yet, but I'm working on it. I do, however, have a flat tummy. (smile) Haven't seen one of those in a long time.
