I was a chunky butt when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Yep, I'll admit it. But, I was still cute (at least to myself and my then-boyfriend) so it didn't stress me too much. I was bigger than I felt comfortable with but I was okay. When I began chemotherapy, I had to be weighed. Actually I had to weigh-in everytime I went to the hospital for any treatment. I hated it at first, but after awhile I didn't think about it one way or another.
The first weigh-in blew my mind. I weighed -- gasp -- 218 pounds. *blink, blink* Although I'm reasonably tall (5'9") that's still a LOT of weight for my frame. I was mortified. I guess eating curry and white rice 5 times a week is bad for your diet. (laughs) I'm sure that the rum punches did not help.
Well, luckily my oncologist was kind to me and didn't call me a fatty to my face. What he did say though was that at my weight, the loss from the chemo probably wouldn't be as drastic as for some other patients who were smaller. And he was right. As the pounds fell off during the four months of chemotherapy, I still looked reasonably healthy to other people. I looked sickly to myself and to my family but the weight loss wasn't that noticeable (I think) to other folks.
At the end of the first part of my chemotherapy, I was down to 170 or so. Maybe a little less. Now, this may sound crazy but I liked that size on me. It looked okay -- well, minus the crazy skin discolorations and sallow pallor and no body hair.
Fast forward two years and I've gained a good portion of that weight back. I am still too sedentary (scared I'm going to fall and hurt myself). I can also thank my medication and the fact that my treatment pushed me into menopause. However, with all that taken into consideration, I am now just at 199 pounds. I'm grateful for that one pound that keeps me from 200 pounds (yeah, I'm vain) and really grateful that I'm tall and can sort of disguise my thickness but its a new year and time for a new focus. I decided to actively work on losing weight and being more diligent about what I eat and regularly detoxing myself.
Alright... so based on my recent history, I figured that a goal of 175 would be great. Not too much to lose and I could move slowly towards reaching that goal. Imagine my surprise when I pulled up a trusty BMI (body mass index) chart to see where I fell on that scale.
OBESE. *wow*
Well, depending on which scale you look at I'm either "overweight" or "obese". Ain't neither one of those sexy. At. All. I started looking at pictures that I've taken over the past couple of years -- after I did my radiation treatment and my surgeries -- and I look a bloated and uncomfortable mess. Puffy face, strange lopsidedness. Just bleah. It hit me that I've been internalizing the comments from friends and family who have told me that I looked great without measuring what "great" really meant. It meant, great for a girl who has been going through cancer treatment for two years. But in the grand scheme of things... my great was a little uh... less than stellar. *shrug*
Here's the kicker... my goal weight of 175 pounds (I do like being a curvy girl) is still too big. I'm still too high on the BMI scale. So I've had to adjust my goal weight down to 160 pounds. And I may have to adjust more to be truly clear of the obese label.
Yikes! That's far away from where I am right now. I decided to fully disclose where I am starting from and where I'm heading to so that I can be accountable for whatever progress I do or don't make. I don't have a particular time frame to hit this mark. I just know that I have to get there and I have begun my work on making it. *sigh*
I am one of those people who just doesn't like exercise. I've always been a clumsy kid. I trip over my own shadow while walking in my barefeet on carpet. (laughs) Real talk. Soooo... trying to run and catch a ball or throw a ball at the same time, not gonna happen partner. It just won't. And trying to outrun or out-swim someone else... yeah, that's not likely to happen either. Competitive sports do nothing to inspire or motivate me. Vanity however, and now knowing that it will help reduce my chances of dealing with this doggone breast cancer again, is a big motivation for the kid.
Another big motivation for me is my family. Genetics and bad eating habits are not on my side. Food is an important part of my life. I like to eat. I like to eat fried foods and sweets (cakes, pies, cookies, tarts, etc.). I enjoy a nice tall glass of sweet ice tea. Or lemonade. All sorts of bad for you food that make good memories when enjoyed with people that you like being with. But, when you start going to more and more funerals of people you love and have grown up with, it starts to hit you that its really not a game.
Diabetes and hypertension and heart disease and cancer run rampantly up and down my family tree. Obesity is not foreign to me. Morbid obesity isn't unusual. I watched one cousin struggle and struggle with a food addiction that she simply could not shake. Diabetes and its complications eventually took her away from us. Obesity issues took one brother before her and a sister after her. I think about all of them often. And my heart aches. And so on... I could name family member after family member... but the stories just aren't that different.
I've received another chance to get it right now that I've been rendered cancer-free. I can't waste it. I am not addicted to food nor alcohol. I'm just greedy and undisciplined. These are things I know about myself. How I'm fixing it is by learning all that I can about food, nutrition and being more aware about what I eat and what is in the food I consume. I am more aware of how I drink my calories and I try to combat that in different ways.
One thing that I do have to be cautious of is my lymphedema. It will (and has) flared up with the increase in activity. I know that its risky to do a lot of exercise because of it but I am willing to risk it in order to gain a health advantage in other areas. Hopefully it will be a good calculated risk and I won't end up making a mess of things. Realistically, there are emerging reports saying that working out with weights may not be as bad for lymphedema sufferers as originally thought. That gives me hope.
So... that's my story. I'm a chunky girl who wants to bring out her inner sex kitten. Well, let me rephrase that. I'm a chunky girl who wants her exterior to match the way she feels on the inside. How's that??
