I know that many of you may not understand or empathize with people who attempt suicide. Although I can empathize with their thoughts and feelings, I do understand why others don't get it. And to be honest, I'm glad that you don't because that says to me that you don't have them. Let me tell you, its not fun to be that down and depressed.
There was a period in my life where I was so down, I would have had to look up to see eye to eye with an ant. (smile) I'm able to smile and chuckle a bit now because I have moved beyond that place emotionally. But I've never forgotten it.
I struggled with clinical depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety. I was in cognitive therapy and on anti-depressants for many months. To put it mildly, I was a bit of a mess. But unless you were someone extremely close to me, you probably had no idea that all of that was going on. You may have noticed that I was withdrawn, or that I didn't hang out as much. But what you didn't know is that very often my anxiety would get so bad that I could not leave my home. Some days, I could barely move beyond my bathroom. And I lived alone in a one bedroom apartment. (laughs) Its not like there was a lot of space for me to get lost in. But many days, I would simply sit (and function) in my bedroom and never venture farther than the bathroom or kitchen. Going to the living room was too far some days. And leaving just wasn't an option.
Therapy and medication helped me because at that time, I just wanted my life back. I wanted that big "thing" that was frightening me to disappear and give me back my life. The medication helped me to sleep, to move beyond the night terrors that haunted me, and smoothed out my thoughts so that I wasn't so stuck in the dark place. Therapy helped teach me how to think differently and how to express my anger and my rage when they rose up. I learned that emotions are not bad and I am just as entitled to them as everyone else.
In the years since, I've been diagnosed with breast cancer, lost relationships that I never imagined that I would lose, lost my job and have grieved multiple times over the deaths of family and friends. All very traumatic experiences. But I've never gone back to that very dark place. I've been down, to be sure. And there were days during the roughest parts of my cancer treatment where I screamed and cried to God to just make it all stop. Yes, I did that. But I am so very grateful that He knew better than I did in those moments that it would not be dark and painful always.
I'm sharing this because right now I'm in a very different place. And I am so grateful for that growth. I still have my issues but that's because I'm human and not because I'm depressed or struggling with anxiety. I wanted to let the world know that no matter what you may be dealing with or feeling, you can get beyond this.Do not allow someone else's thoughts of you define who you are or what you are capable of. You can always make a different choice. Choose to find your own joy and bliss. When you find that place where you feel so passionately about something that you go to bed thinking about it and you wake up thinking about it... then you will have found that sweet spot about life that makes all of the tough times worthwhile.
Right now, I'm chasing my dream of being an entrepreneur and a tech start up founder. I am creating a new world for breast cancer survivors to connect with one another in. I am writing my first book (based on this blog) and even though you can't see the fruits of my labor yet, know that I'm working hard and its coming. But more importantly, be happy for me that I finally found my passion and it really is so sweet right here.
